An Anonymous Girl Read online

  “Oh.” Ben blinks. He looks me up and down, examining me more carefully.

  I’ve traded my ankle boots for Converse high-tops and slung a black nylon backpack over one shoulder. I figure it won’t hurt if I look like a student.

  “Can you hang on a second?” he finally says. “I need to check with Dr. Shields.”

  “Sure.” I aim for the slightly bored tone Taylor used last night.

  The worst thing that’ll happen is he’ll tell me I can’t participate, I remind myself. No big deal; I’ll just grab a bagel and take Leo for a long walk.

  Ben steps aside and pulls out his cell phone. I want to listen to his side of the conversation, but his voice is muted.

  Then he walks over to me. “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-eight,” I respond truthfully.

  I sneak a glance at the entrance to make sure Taylor isn’t going to saunter in at the last minute.

  “You currently reside in New York?” Ben asks.

  I nod.

  Ben has two more questions for me: “Where else have you lived? Anywhere outside the United States?”

  I shake my head. “Just Pennsylvania. That’s where I grew up.”

  “Okay,” Ben says, putting his phone away. “Dr. Shields says you can participate in the study. First, I need to get your full name and address. Can I see some ID?”

  I shift my backpack into my hand and dig through it until I find my wallet, then I hand him my driver’s license.

  He snaps a picture, then takes down the rest of my information. “I can Venmo you the payment tomorrow at the conclusion of your session if you have an account.”

  “I do,” I say. “Taylor told me it’s five hundred dollars, right?”

  He nods. “I’m going to text all this to Dr. Shields, then I’ll take you upstairs to the room.”

  Could it possibly be this simple?

  CHAPTER

  TWO

  Saturday, November 17

  You aren’t the subject who was expected to show up this morning.

  Still, you meet the demographic criteria of the study and the slot would otherwise be wasted, so my assistant Ben escorts you to Room 214. The testing space is large and rectangular, filled with windows along the eastern-facing side. Three rows of desks and chairs line the shiny linoleum floor. At the front of the room is a SMART Board, its screen blank. High on the back wall is an old-fashioned round clock. It could be any classroom in any college campus in any city.

  Except for one thing: You are the only person here.

  This venue has been selected because there is little to distract you, facilitating your ability to concentrate on the task ahead.

  Ben explains that your instructions will appear on the computer that is being provided for your use. Then he closes the door.

  The room is silent.

  A laptop waits on a desk in the first row. It is already open. Your footsteps echo across the expanse of the floor as you walk toward it.

  You ease into the seat, pulling it up to the desk. The metal leg of your chair grates against the linoleum.

  A message is visible on the screen:

  Subject 52: Thank you for your participation in Dr. Shields’s morality and ethics research project. By entering this study, you agree to be bound by confidentiality. You are expressly prohibited from discussing the study or its contents with anyone.

  There are no right or wrong answers. It is essential that you are honest and give your first, instinctive response. Your explanations should be thorough. You will not be permitted to move on to the next question until the prior one is completed.

  A five-minute warning will be issued before the conclusion of your two hours.

  Press the Return key when you are ready to begin.

  Do you have any idea of what to expect?

  You bring your finger to the Return key, but instead of touching it, your hand hovers over the keyboard. You are not alone in your hesitation. Some of the fifty-one subjects before you exhibited varying degrees of uncertainty, too.

  It can be frightening to become acquainted with parts of yourself that you don’t like to admit exist.

  Finally, you press the key.

  You wait, watching the blinking cursor. Your hazel eyes are wide.

  When the first question blooms on the screen, you flinch.

  Perhaps it feels strange to have someone probing intimate parts of your psyche in such a sterile setting, without disclosing why the information is so valuable. It is natural to shy away from feelings of vulnerability, but you will need to surrender to this process if it is to be successful.

  Remember the rules: Be open and truthful, and avoid pivoting away from any embarrassment or pain these questions provoke.

  If this initial query, which is relatively mild, unsettles you, then you might be one of the women who wash out of the study. Some subjects don’t return. This test isn’t for everyone.

  You continue to stare at the question.

  Maybe your instincts are telling you to leave without even starting.

  You wouldn’t be the first.

  But you lift your hands to the keyboard again, and you begin to type.

  CHAPTER

  THREE

  Saturday, November 17

  As I stare at the laptop in the unnaturally quiet classroom, I feel kind of anxious. The instructions say there are no wrong answers, but won’t my responses to a morality test reveal a lot about my character?

  The room is cold, and I wonder if that is deliberate, to keep me alert. I can almost hear phantom noises—the rustle of papers, the thud of feet against the hard floors, the jostling and joking of students.

  I touch the Return key with my index finger and wait for the first question.

  Could you tell a lie without feeling guilt?

  I jerk back.

  This wasn’t what I expected when Taylor mentioned the study with a dismissive flip of her hand. I guess I didn’t anticipate being asked to write about myself; for some reason, I assumed this would be a multiple choice or yes/no survey. To be confronted with a question that feels so personal, as if Dr. Shields already knows too much about me, as if he knows I lied about Taylor . . . well, it rattles me more than a little.

  I give myself a mental shake and lift my fingers to the keyboard.

  There are many types of lies. I could write about lies of omission or huge, life-changing ones—the kind I know too well—but I choose a safer course.

  Sure, I type. I’m a makeup artist, but not one of the ones you’ve read about. I don’t work on models or movie stars. I get Upper East Side teenagers ready for prom, and their moms ready for fancy benefits. I do weddings and bat mitzvahs, too. So yeah, I could tell a high-strung mother that she could still be carded, or convince an insecure sixteen-year-old that I didn’t even notice her pimple. Especially because they’re more likely to give me a nice tip if I flatter them.

  I hit Enter, not knowing if this is the kind of response the professor wants. But I guess I’m doing it right, because the second question appears quickly.

  Describe a time in your life when you cheated.

  Whoa. That feels like a presumption.

  But maybe everybody has cheated, even if just at a game of Monopoly when they were little. I think about it a bit, then type: In the fourth grade, I cheated on a test. Sally Jenkins was the best speller in the class, and when I looked up and chewed on the pink rubbery eraser of my pencil, trying to remember if “tomorrow” had one r or two, I caught sight of her paper.

  Turns out it was two r’s. I wrote the word and mentally thanked Sally when I got an A.

  I press Enter.

  Funny how those details came back to me, even though I haven’t thought about Sally in years. We graduated from high school together, but I missed our last few reunions, so I have no idea how she turned out. Probably two or three kids, a part-time job, a house near her parents. That’s what happened to most of the girls I grew up with.

  The next question has
n’t materialized yet. I tap the Enter key again. Nothing.

  I wonder if there’s a glitch in the program. I’m about to go poke my head out the door to see if Ben is nearby, but then letters begin to appear on my screen, one by one.

  Like someone is typing them in real time.

  Subject 52, you need to dig deeper.

  My body gives a sudden start. I can’t help looking around. The flimsy plastic blinds on the windows are pulled up, but there isn’t anyone outside on this drab, gloomy day. The lawn and sidewalk are deserted. There’s another building across the way, but it’s impossible to tell if anyone is in it.

  Logically, I know I’m alone. It just feels like someone close to me is whispering.

  I look back at the laptop. There’s another message:

  Was that really your first, instinctual answer?

  I almost gasp. How does Dr. Shields know?

  I abruptly push back my chair and start to stand up. Then I get how he figured it out; it must have been my hesitation before I started typing. Dr. Shields realized I rejected my initial thought and chose a safer response. I pull my chair back toward the computer and exhale slowly.

  Another instruction creeps across the page:

  Go beyond the superficial.

  It was crazy to think Dr. Shields could know what I’m thinking, I tell myself. Being in this room is obviously playing with my mind. It wouldn’t feel as weird if other people were around.

  After a brief pause, the second question reappears on the screen.

  Describe a time in your life when you cheated.

  Okay, I think. You want the messy truth about my life? I can dig a little deeper.

  Is it cheating if you are just an accessory in the act? I write.

  I wait for a response. But the only movement on my screen is the blinking cursor. I continue typing.

  Sometimes I hook up with guys I don’t know all that well. Or maybe it’s more like I don’t want to know them all that well.

  Nothing. I keep going.

  My job has taught me to carefully evaluate people when I first meet them. But in my personal life, especially after a drink or two, I can deliberately dial back the focus.

  There was a bass player I met a few months ago. I went back to his place. It was obvious a woman lived there but I didn’t ask him about it. I told myself she was just a roommate. Is it wrong that I put on blinders?

  I press Return and wonder how my confession will land. My best friend, Lizzie, knows about some of my one-night stands, but I never told her about seeing the bottles of perfume and the pink razor in the bathroom that night. She also doesn’t know about their frequency. I guess I don’t want her to judge me.

  Letter by letter, a single word forms on my computer screen:

  Better.

  For a second, I’m glad I’m getting the hang of the test.

  Then I realize a complete stranger is reading my confessions about my sex life. Ben seemed professional, with his crisp oxford shirt and horn-rimmed glasses, but what do I really know about this psychiatrist and his study?

  Maybe it’s just being called a morality and ethics survey. It could be anything.

  How do I know the guy is even a professor at NYU? Taylor doesn’t seem like the type to verify details. She’s a beautiful young woman, and maybe that’s why she was invited to participate.

  Before I can decide what to do, the next question appears:

  Would you cancel plans with a friend for a better offer?

  My shoulders untense. This query seems completely innocuous, like something Lizzie might ask me if she were seeking advice.

  If Dr. Shields were planning something creepy, he wouldn’t have set this whole thing up in a university classroom. Plus, he didn’t ask about my sex life, I remind myself. I’m the one who offered it up.

  I answer the question: Of course, because my jobs aren’t regular. I have weeks when I’m swamped. I sometimes do seven or eight clients a day, ricocheting around Manhattan. But then I can go a few days when I only get a couple of call times. Turning away work isn’t an option for me.

  I’m about to hit the Return key when I realize Dr. Shields won’t be satisfied by what I wrote. I follow his instructions and dig deeper.

  I got my first job in a sandwich shop when I was fifteen. I left college after two years because I couldn’t take it. Even with financial aid, I had to waitress three nights a week and get student loans. I hated being in debt. The constant worry about whether my ATM receipt would show a negative balance, the way I’d have to sneak a sandwich to take home when I left work . . .

  I’m doing a little better now. But I don’t have a cushion like my best friend, Lizzie. Her parents send her a check every month. Mine are pretty broke, and my sister has special needs. So sometimes, yeah, I might need to cancel plans with a friend. I have to take care of myself financially. Because when it comes down to it, I’ve only got myself to rely on.

  I stare at my final line.

  I wonder if I sound whiny. I hope Dr. Shields gets what I’m trying to say: My life isn’t perfect, but whose is? The hand I’ve been dealt could be worse.

  I’m not used to expressing myself like this. Writing about hidden thoughts is like washing of makeup and seeing a bare face.

  I answer a few more, including: Would you ever read a spouse’s/significant other’s text messages?

  If I thought he was cheating, I would, I type. I’ve never been married, though, or lived with anyone. I’ve only had a couple of sort-of serious boyfriends, and I never had reason to doubt them.

  By the time I’ve finished the sixth question, I feel different than I have in a while. I’m keyed up, like I’ve had an extra cup of coffee, but I’m not jittery or anxious anymore. I’m super-focused. I’ve completely lost track of time, too. I could have been in this classroom for forty-five minutes, or for twice that length.

  I’ve just finished writing about something I would never be able to tell my parents—how I secretly pay some of Becky’s medical bills—when letters begin to surface on my screen again.

  That must be difficult for you.

  I read the message a second time, more slowly. I’m surprised by the comfort Dr. Shields’s kind words give me.

  I lean back in my chair, feeling the hard metal press into the space between my shoulder blades, and try to imagine what Dr. Shields looks like. I picture him as a heavyset man with a gray beard. He’s thoughtful and compassionate. He’s probably heard it all. He isn’t judging me.

  It is difficult, I think. I blink rapidly a few times.

  I find myself typing, Thank you.

  No one has ever wanted to know so much about me before; most people are satisfied with the sort of superficial chatter that Dr. Shields doesn’t like.

  Maybe the secrets I’ve been holding are a bigger deal than I thought, because telling Dr. Shields about them makes me feel lighter.

  I lean forward slightly and fiddle with the trio of silver rings on my index finger as I wait for the next question.

  It seems to take a few moments longer than it did for the last ones to appear.

  Then it does.

  Have you ever deeply hurt someone you care about?

  I almost gasp.

  I read it twice. I can’t help glancing at the door, even though I know no one is peering in through the glass pane at the top.

  Five hundred dollars, I think. It doesn’t seem like such easy money anymore.

  I don’t want to hesitate too long. Dr. Shields will know I’m evading something.

  Unfortunately, yes, I type, trying to buy myself some time. I twist one of my curls around my finger, then type some more. When I first came to New York, there was this guy I liked, and a friend of mine had a crush on him, too. He asked me out—

  I stop. Telling that story isn’t a big deal. It isn’t what Dr. Shields wants.

  I slowly backspace over the letters.

  I’ve been honest, like I agreed when I accepted the terms at the start of the stu
dy. But now I think about making something up.

  Dr. Shields might know if I didn’t tell the truth.

  And I wonder . . . what would it feel like if I did?

  Sometimes I think I’ve hurt everyone I’ve ever loved.

  I want to type the words so badly. I imagine Dr. Shields nodding sympathetically, encouraging me to continue. Maybe if I told him what I did, he’d write something comforting again.

  My throat tightens. I swipe my hand across my eyes.

  If I had the courage, I’d start by explaining to Dr. Shields that I’d taken care of Becky all summer while my parents were at work; that I’d been pretty responsible even though I was only thirteen at the time. Becky could be annoying—she was always barging into my room when I had friends over, borrowing my stuff, and trying to follow me around—but I loved her.

  Love her, I think. I still love her.

  It just hurts to be around her.

  I still haven’t written a single word when Ben knocks on the door and tells me I have five minutes left.

  I lift my hands and slowly type, Yes, and I’d give anything to undo it.

  Before I can rethink the words, I hit the Enter key.

  I stare at the computer screen, but Dr. Shields doesn’t write anything in return.

  The cursor seems to throb like a heartbeat; it’s mesmerizing. My eyes begin to burn.

  If Dr. Shields typed something to me right now, if he asked me to continue, and said it was okay for me to go over my allotted time, I’d do it. I’d let it all out; I’d tell him everything.

  My breathing grows shallow.

  I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for someone to tell me to jump.

  I keep staring at the screen, knowing I’ve only got a minute or so left.

  The screen is still blank except for the blinking cursor. But words suddenly begin to pulse in my mind, in time with the cursor: Tell me. Tell me.

  When Ben opens the door, I have trouble dragging my gaze away from the screen to nod at him.

  I twist around and slowly pull my coat of the back of my chair and pick up my backpack. I look at the computer one last time, but it’s still blank.